Damn! How does so much time slide by between posts? The world seems to keep going by in a blur. I’m finally home from spending a LONG fucking time in Atlanta. Good to be home it is. Its 100+ degrees here but only15% humidity. Perfect for a desert rat like me! I was afraid of what I might find in the fridge one I got home since I couldn’t remember what was in there when I left. An I was right to be afraid. OMG, I’m stll not sure what was in there but I do know it would have made a helluva science fair project or HazMat training sight. Needless to say I’ve spent much time since getting home equipped with Lysole, bleach, bucket-o-water and toilet scrubby brush thing attached to a yard stick. *laughs*

Since my last post things had got pretty shitty on the job/career side of things. I even drafted up a resignation letter before I left Atlanta in case I got a quick positive response to my queries about previous job offers. Well I came to the office on Monday morn and had the entire team bay all to myself. Before we all left Atlanta, i told everyone to stay home and rest for a couple of days, especially the ones with hubb\wife\SOs\family. They all deserved it. So after spending the morning attending to a variety of administrative related things, I was called into an meeting with my immediate boss person, his upper level management, various bean counters, and other team leads. With out going into details, let just say that this didn’t go very well and in the end I lost my temper and walked out of the meeting. So Tuesday morn rolls around with a scheduled operations meeting, at which point I turned in my resignation, effective 31 Aug, then walked back to my office to wait the security to come and out process me. Spent the time waiting cleaning my lappy out and getting all the necessary sign-offs and forms completed certifying I have no proprietary info in my paws and acknowledging that all previous non-disclosure agreements are still applicable. So wait I did for the end of my career with this company an end that never came. So, a bit confused, I went home at the normal time. Come the next morning however, I was greeted by security at the front door, asked for my keys and other badges/credentials, handed a small box with personal junk from my office asked to leave the facility. So the end had finally come and I spend the rest of the day in a bit of a fog. Sat and hung out in my fav coffee shop, sending emails, watching youtube, catching up with stuffs presented at Blackhat last week basicly what i would have been doing in the office. Then came this AM, as I get up and start my day. About halfway through getting dressed for work and my third cup of coffee it hit me, I’VE NO FUCKING JOB! WTF do I think i’m getting ready to go here? So I peeled off my skirt and hose and jumped into a pair of sweats and tshirt and curled up on the couch sort of shell shocked.

I hate to say it but I came apart for a while. Stupid and weak I know but…. well I just did. No excuse, no justification. But I’ve picked up the pieces and am done with that. Not like it does any good beyond prove what a looser I am so…. done! I’ve spent most of the day going through my finances and find I can pretty much float for 4 mebe 6 months while I get myself unscrewed before I need to go look for that fridge box and beat some bumm ass to get a spot out of the rain. Just because I haven’t heard from where I thought I had some opportunity yet is no reason to panic. I will keep looking and keep myself busy. It is just very odd. I’ve never been without a job in the last 24 years. I’ve worked with this company for most of that time (almost 20). My career has always been so much of who I am that now that is gone, I’m a bit adrift.


A Decision Made…

July 18, 2007

Hello all and welcome to another day in paradise. Been working way to much these past few days. Lots of long hours with the evenings filled with after hours (usually after 10pm) testing and the days filled with reading documentation, interviewing people, and writing up results and analysis papers. All this plus trying to squeeze in a little sleep and eat time…. FUCK!!!! I need another job!

And I have been trying! With lots of resumes, some interviews, lots of rejection letters to show for it right now. Basically… no one wants me. No one want a 40 year old geek with almost 20 years experience in the game. Companies can pay a kid outta college much less and when I indicate that I am willing to take substantially less then I make now I get rejected ’cause “something is obviously wrong with her” Which we all know there is… but not with my ability to do the JOB! In fact the only offers I have received is to go to work for a couple US company’s doing work in the Mideast… The best offers have been to go to Iraq.

So with this overwhelming evidence of a dead end career or a career that takes me to a place that can get me dead I started looking at my skills to see if it might be possible to look at a new path. And you know what?…. I have no other skills! I’m not good at anything else. Sooooooo…. I guess that means that I will be looking at these “opportunities” in Iraq etc. Aside from the risk of getting seriously dead (even this is not a big deal) there real is no downside to doing this. I’m completely alone in the world so its not like I’ll be leaving anyone behind. I’m not active sexually or socially outside SL so no big loss there. I live in an apartment that i don’t see 2 to 3 weeks of every month so its not like I have anything I’ll miss there. From what understand there is very limited connectivity in the places I may be working so my SL time may be a thing of the past. But, I’ve let those I really care for slip away which is when all is said and done just another scar… not a big thing I guess.

While I type this… I realize there is nothing and no one holding me here… not a damn thing. So I am going to explore going to the Mideast and hope I can land in Kuwait or the UAE as opposed to Iraq. I’ll keep everyone informed as to what happens but if I drop out of sight you have a good idea where I might be at.

I Suck!

July 5, 2007

Hello again..
Seems I have skipped the entire month of June. Guess I’m not good at this blogging shit. Not surprising, I’m not good at alot of shit; building in SL, ice skating, people,cross-word puzzles to name a few.

So what’s been happening… I survived my climb (damn) and have been working hard in RL and SL. Took on lots of commissions in for anims the last several weeks. Some fun projects and some nice people. So this all has kept me in pocket money to feed my shopping jones. Spent most of June on the road it seems. Barely got home long enough to wash my undies and throw the fuzzy stuff in the fridge out. I also established a new path to happiness. Its “Happiness through lowered expectations and isolation”. Catchy name I think for simply keeping to myself and remembering that feeling stuff sucks. Got reminded that I have alot of unfinished projects for Outre’ so I will be focusing on those as well as trying to update older products. So I’m going to try to focus a hour a day on that. I did say try.

I’m still very much involved exploring D/s with Nina and others. As I become more involved with the “community” in SL I see so many that, without thinking, look to reverse the exchange of power. Many subbies that fully expect a Dom/me to offer them a “collar” rather then begging for it. Just my observation and viewpoint. I think I keep exploring this aspect of myself because I am able to keep “ME” at arms length, risking nothing, as still enjoy the people and encounters.

Enough bullshit for now… signing off…

I’m Back… again

May 18, 2007

Wow, a long time between posts. I guess I suck at this… this and many other things. Anyway what has been happening in my life… Been working way to hard, as always Aems would say. Lots of long hours trying to keep up with my teams. I’ve always been a lead from the front type person and feel as a PHB (pointy haired boss) that I should work as least as hard as the people working for me. Spent 3 weeks working a gig in Mexico, Silao to be more specific. Back home now for the last week and catching up on stuff…

Haven’t seen Anne in SL for weeks now as RL schedules just do not mesh at all. Somewhere in the last few months I also acquired another pet, Nina. She is a wonderful girl and very very smart (does high end math and shit). We have been exploring the dark corners of her mind together, working on moving on from somethings and accepting (and liking) who she is. She is very infatuated at the mo but sweet and not a drag emotionally since she understand I can’t return her emotions, that I’m not capable of it. She has come along way in the last weeks, she has stopped hooking for $Ls and has designed and offered skyboxes for rental on land she bought. She is also building/scripting and starting to sell her wares.

As for me, looking for another job but no luck to date. I am now fully aware that lots and lots of people don’t want me, but that is not a surprise really. I should be used to it. But I will keep trying. I’ve started applying for opportunities overseas even the Mid-East. I thought about changing careers but I really don’t have any other skills so *shrug*.

Oh yea… I’ve turned 40 since I last posted, yay me, no big deal. Am I going to celebrate? Yeah… I’m going to make a climb I last did when I was 20. The pic below is a pretty good shot of the face I’m gonna try. I hope to give it a shot next weekend when I get back off my next trip…

Enough for now….

Battleship Rock

I’m back!!!

February 28, 2007

Hello all….    the weeks of RL craziness are done…  sorta..   I am writing this from yet another hotel lobby as I wait for my ride to the airport.   But it looks like my life will return to normal soonish.   Or as close to normal as things get for me.   I got to hang out with my bestest friend Aems a little this past week.  God I’ve missed her.   It is so strange and wonderful how someone on the otherside of a set of pixels driving from the other side of the word can one feel so good just to hear her voice..  or in this case see her text.  I wish life allowed more time for that feeling.  I guess its not life’s fault but mine for not taking the time more often but let myself get caught up in the grind of the “JOB”.

I also got to spend some quality time with my Anne.  Its fun really exploring the depths of this woman.   To wallow in our dark sides that seems to compliment each other so well.

Anyway… more later….  gotta run….  stupid life….

Wow… i’m dragging.    As we all know I’ve been working hard in RL…  Too hard some will say.   Due to a number of things (including sales/management insanity) the company I work for has more contracts to work then we have people to work them and is in the middle of restructuring our team leads to cut costs/increase profits/make the worker bees bug fuck nuts!!   I’ve gone from managing 1 team of 8 security specialists working at most  2  engagements at one time to 1 team of 12 sec geeks working 5 projects in 4 TZ and a system development team of 8 working a project that is 60 days behind schedule and has serious billing issues to the client.  On top of all this I’ve been pulled to work as part of an team doing a full audit on a Federal facility not because I have the spare time or need the extra work but because I happen to hold the correct freaking background investigation that makes it easy on the corp get the proper security clearances!!!   Its such a joy to be given all this opportunity to excel….   but note to management….   I don’t want to excel!!  I want to be middle of the road, adequate, freaking  mediocre for FFS!!!  So all you fucking mgmt monkies get on that and leave me alone so I might have enough energy to be like creative and shit!!!!  *panting… heart racing… blood pressure rising…*  must… choke…  something!!

Ok calm again…  sorry as you can see I’m just a lil strung out.  Prolly do to serious lack of sleep this weekend.   I wasn’t working,  well not as much as I should have, but my neph came back in from Iraq late Friday Night!..  He is home, or at least states side,  for a while…  all in one piece, no perforations or serious injuries.  Yay!!!!!  I knew he as coming home and I thought I would miss him but the silly boi set a new speed record just stopping long enough to turn in equipment and get his leave papers then jumped a flight home.  Picked him up at the airport at 2am on Saturday, still in his uniform covered in iraq dust.  Stoopid kid had not told his mom he was coming which will cause me some grief but…  fuck it…  he’s home!!!   Yay!!!  So I spent Saturday contributing to the delinquency of a minor (isn’t it stoopid that he can go places to kill and be killed but can’t come home and buy a fucking beer?).  Drinking with him, listening to him talk as he unwound, I looked for the geeky lil boy underneath the hard eyed shooter that sat across from me and cried inside cause I didn’t see him anymore.  Another fucking casualty.  I am very proud of him though,  He volunteered to join and volunteered to become a hard ass Ranger even after talking to his friends that had already served time in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I dropped him off at his mom’s house  Sunday AM much to her surprise as he had not told her he was coming home for leave.  I’m sure this is going to come back and haunt me as I’m not on the best of terms with all my still breathing “family” type people.  So hugged the boi as my sister glared the headed into work…  I won’t see him until he gets his next leave but at least he won’t be in Iraq until after August some time.   So he is safe for a while.

Spent Sunday catching up from being a slacker on Saturday  (had a good excuse I thought though)  got home after 10pm again and fired up some jobs that needed to get finished… and find I’ve missed everyone again  *pouts*.   Did find Sysis on-line and prowled around with her.  Helped her workup a new look,  Siced her on Aems for face tweaking  (thanks hon…  great job as usual).  Finally crashed around 2am for a couple few hours then got up to pack and head to the airport.  Got there in plenty of time to grab some breakfast at a nice table hidden in the corner  (see Ames I am eating) and dove back into SL hoping to find Ames… and didn’t   *pouts some more*.  Did see Brandi ( a friend from Germany) on-line and hand a good chat via IM.  She was surprised to find I played in hard RP places like Midian and Lost Angels and had a taste for the D side in D/s play.  She is somewhat subbie but has never explored that even in SL which surprised me so we hand a good convo on that subject while I waited for my flight.   Once I landed and got checked in at my hotel (short flight from ABQ to LAS) I found I had some slack time before my the meeting I had to be at so.. got to dive back into SL again and  woot!!!   got to spend some time with Anne in another really dark RP session.  I’m finding I have some very very dark corners of my mind, and am ok with that  *smirks*.  Was hoping to see Aems and introduce before we both had to go but missed my Aems again  *pouts and cries a lil*.

So i’m sitting here in the god awful briefing trying to stay awake by keeping y’all upto date.   I hope things slow down soon.  I’ve been promised a couple of days off after we wrap this job up.   But promises are like air…  so we will see what happens in a couple of weeks.   Gotta run all.   take care..  hope to see peeps on line later in my evening.   The choice will be between seeing friends and sleep…   Friends are far more important

Serious Lack of Life

January 31, 2007

Sigh…..   Do you know what the reward is for doing a good job?   It is being given the opportunity to do it some more under ever tighter deadlines all while being dealt other side projects and irresponsibilities.   Needless to say I’m working long hours right now.  Started the day around 6am and just walked in the door from the office a few minutes ago.  Sadly i see more of the same for the next few weeks.   I’m tired, stressed, pissed cause I’m missing my friends in SL and generally wallowing in discontent.  Aemilia will say I’m working too damn hard and she will be right  (Yes hon, I said you are right now hushup).  I’ve always worked hard.  Its something I learned from my grandad and has been my excuse to hide from the world from many years.  I’d stick my head out long enough to get scared then burrow back into the comfort of the next project/job/gig and have a handy out when i asked myself why I let things/people slip away.   “I’m too busy..” I’d tell myself then lose the thought in the nice haze of technical details.  I don’t think that is what I’m doing now… but to be honest I’m too fucking tired to psychoanalyze  myself  right now.   Its tough keeping the pace i did when i was in my 20s *chuckles*.  Anyway,  I’m gonna have a martini and drop into SL for a lil bit before going nappy for a couple/three hours.   Dream Sweet all